


Not All Heroes Wear Capes (Some Wear Big Hats)

by squeezedoutofmiracles



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon-Typical Violence, Hospitalization, Kravitz is a cop, M/M, Magic Revealed, Mentions of Needles (not injection), Minor Character Death, Misuse of Medical Power, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Police, by the book boy, didnt use the humanstuck tag this time youre fuckin welcome, fuck you for making me use that tag, gun use (hes a cop)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 03:45:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13918692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeezedoutofmiracles/pseuds/squeezedoutofmiracles
Summary: @hyrulehobbit “Superhero au, eg secret identity reveal, getting caught changing into their hero gear, or hero/villain hateromance (♠️)”--No hero gear change I'm afraid, Taako wouldn't be caught dead in spandex.Kravitz is a human, a cop, and a very good one at that.Taako is an elf, a superhero, and a very bad one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hyrulehobbit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyrulehobbit/gifts).



> TTaaDD fic swap #2 for @hyrulehobbit on tumblr! God bless you for giving me an excuse to write something this self-indulgent. And woops, now it's a multi chapter mess. Don't expect more, but if you want to commission me for some my tumblr is @kraaviitz ;0 pm me and we can hash it out.
> 
> Thanks again to @starmaid for encouraging me to write and editing this monstrosity for me! Bless you <3

Kravitz first heard the crackling when he set the charcoal suit back on the rack. He frowned up at the lights that glowed above the row of near-identical suits, making the wool-blend shine. They flickered in waves, and he furrowed his brows as he scanned the rest of the racks and other late night shoppers. Not many people in Macy’s mens’ formal wear department at 9:30pm, but the police force had him working strange hours, and he’d only left before 10pm because his boss had thrown him out and demanded he go buy a suit ahead of the gala at the weekend.

He had meant to go suit shopping for a long time but his hours were unpredictable, and most of his days off were spent doing things more meaningful than browsing the racks at a department store because he couldn’t afford to go bespoke.

Kravitz shook his head and flicked another suit over, running the fabric between his fingers and wondering if navy was his colour when there was a far louder crackle, and a scream, and an obscenely loud laugh.

The hanger clattered back into place, and he peered around the railings once more. Smoke billowed across the floor, purple and grey in the fluorescent store lighting, and Kravitz’s eyes widened as he stepped back from it, mouth hanging open.

His head snapped up in time to see a man get flung clear across the store with a noise like a door getting opened into the vacuum of space.

There was a heavy hollow silence, followed by a chorus of screams as the remaining handful of customers surged for the doors just as a tall, grey-skinned, white-haired figure stepped from behind a rack of discounted pink polycotton dresses. The figure ran a slender hand over the sleeves and wrinkled its nose, rubbing its finger and thumb together. Then it snapped its fingers with a click that echoed about the store, and flames engulfed the rack.

It - _he?_ \- stood at about six foot tall, dressed in an impeccably tailored robe with a white spider sigil embroidered across the chest; web design flowing down the sleeves and a staff held in his right hand. Held like he knew how to use it.

The smoke swirled around the figure’s feet. He turned his head, white hair swaying as it fell around long pointed grey ears. His eyes skimmed over Kravitz, then fixed on him again as the last surge of people pounded past him.

The figure raised a hand and wiggled his fingers, grinning.

Light flitted from each of the flickering bulbs above; it collected in his palm, shimmering in his hand. A grin split his face in two as he levelled his arm at Kravitz and splayed his fingers with an audible crack.

The beam of light missed Kravitz by about a foot, and only because his attacker got absolutely annihilated by a mountain of a man moving at an impossibly high speed and dressed entirely in orange.

The smoke whipped up off the floor to follow the pair. A much smaller figure ran after them, probably about four foot tall, bearded, and dressed head to toe in mismatched discordant shades of green. There was smashing, screaming, a crackle of light, and the smell of burning hair.

Kravitz was left stranded, head whipping around for bystanders. He was the only one left in the store. They must have called for backup by now. His gun weighed heavy in its holster, but this wasn’t normal gang activity. This was surreal. He had to be hallucinating, stuck in a vivid nightmare. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d had bad dreams where people got hurt because he was out of his depth-

A heeled boot clicked against the faux-marble of the aisle, echoing supernaturally loud around the whole floor. Kravitz felt each step reverberate through his chest as a fourth figure drew into view.

His outfit was far less monochrome than the other two who had attacked the aggressor. He wore a sunhat with a wide brim, the shadow falling across his face, and he raised an arm in the direction of the kerfuffle. In his hand, sparking and dripping blinding yellow energy, was what could only be described as a magic wand, the energy off it ruffling the loose sleeve of his thin white shirt and knocking the brim of his hat back from his face just long enough for Kravitz to catch a glimpse of him.

The beam of light illuminated his unmoving features, pressed tight in stony concentration, but still… ethereally beautiful. And. Green. A long pointed ear was flicked back and down, and his hair whipped as he shot a roaring blast of light down his arm. Kravitz was sure he could _hear_ melting.

He looked towards Kravitz. The... elf looked towards Kravitz. The ears flicked under the hat, and then a wide net of web caught the elf right across the face, knocking him flat on his back. 

The elf struggled almost comically, hat blown from his head as it cracked sickeningly against the floor, arms sprawled out around him. The grey-skinned aberration strutted across the concourse towards him, hips snapping from side to side with his head thrown back like he was savouring every second.

“Well, well, well… Looooook what the Ctenizidae dragged in...” he drawled, accent thick and Germanic, nails clicking against his staff.

The elf sighed, giving an unappreciative noise when the webs around him moved at the magician’s command, dragging him to hang from the ceiling, limbs trapped close to his sides as the webs wove tighter. Two more cocoons formed either side of him, and the unconscious bodies of his associates were strung up next to him. More and more formed, dragging mannequins into their grasp, pressing slow and suffocating around them.

“I was wondering when you’d show your trashy little face around here,” the grey one continued, strolling closer, sniggering and tossing his hair. “All dressed up, looking like a snack.” He clicked his teeth together and chuckled when the elf wrinkled his nose.

“Brian can we just fuckin’ quit it?” the elf said. “I’ve had a long fuckin’ day and I don’t have time for this tonight. I’ve got a manicure at 8am tomorrow and it’s not fair on the fuckin’ artists to get me in there without my beauty sleep.” He gave a heavy sigh, scowl visible even on an upside down face.

The grey one turned sharply enough that his robes fanned out, curling up smoke behind him to lap at his heels. In the split second before his eyes locked on the suspended elf, Kravitz felt the green one’s eyes on him, wide and urgent.

“Aah-aah, do not try to play games with me, Taako, I know this one,” the grey one - Brian - said, waggling a finger that was fully decked out in precious metals, poking Taako’s nose and grinning. “Bryan is hungry. You kept him waiting last time.”

As if on cue a spider the size of a small horse dragged itself from behind a rack of discounted slacks, tiny claws clicking on the tile. Taako barely spared it a glance.

He rolled his eyes. “Brian, I have a reservation. At _Bisou_.”

“You have foiled me for the last… Bisou?” Brian’s ears pricked up though a veil of white hair. “Really? I enquired, they told me they were fully booked until spring.”

“Yeah, I bet they did, you sound like a fucking crazy person. Glamour doesn’t do shit for your dulcet Underdark tones.”

The tension between them was somehow even thicker than when they’d been hurling beams of light at one another, and Kravitz felt the hairs on the back of his neck prick up.

“Or for your New-Elfington nose, darling,” Brian said, giving a simpering smile. “Good luck covering that one up.”

“At least I can see over my cheekbones you Cumberbatch-looking mother fucker.”

Ears lowered, Brian’s face creased into a snarl. The hand on his staff went tight, and a lightbulb burst above their heads, flashing magnificently above the elf’s shitty grin.

“Regardless,” said Brian. “You have been a thorn in my side for long enough. It is time for us to step from the shadows and-”

“FREEZE!” Kravitz shouted with all the authority he could muster, standing in the middle of the aisle with his badge in one hand and the other on his holster.

Brian turned, slow, a brow raised, and Kravitz could see the other elf roll his eyes, wriggling in the constraints of the webbing.

“Hello? Can I help you? I was in the middle of something.” Brian gestured back to the hanging bodies, shifting his grip on the staff.

“Put down the weapon or I will detain you,” Kravitz said, voice masterfully level as Taako worked an arm free, straining for his wand.

Brian tittered. “Oh, I see, how sweet. No, you see, I think I will not do that, and neither will you. I am tired of being ordered around by you people, thinking you know everything, thinking you have the most perfect system and we should all cower below it. But enough. Tonight you will-”

Taako’s fingertips brushed the wand and he snatched it up with a grunt, flicking his wrist hard in Brian’s direction and shooting three magic bolts of light from the tip. They were intercepted effortlessly by a shield that flashed up in front of Brian, splintering into light and falling to the linoleum to fizzle to dust.

“You saucy minx, Taako, you hired a distraction,” Brian squealed, drawing his staff up and heaving the smoke with it, sculpting it with his free hand as his grin grew ever wider, splitting his face with unnaturally bright sharp teeth. “Not for much longer, sweet, don’t worry. It’ll all be over...” He drew his arm back, smoke gathering in his palm, growing deeper and darker as he reeled back-

A bang sounded, and the smoke froze in the air as Brian flinched.

The gun was heavy in Kravitz’s hand. Hot, smoking gently as the drow hit the floor. The smoke scurried away, seeped into vents, and the webs melted like mist. Three bodies hit the floor in quick succession. Kravitz staggered closer, holstering the gun, patting for a walkie talkie that he didn’t have on his hip.

“Fucking shit,” Taako muttered, dusting himself off and grabbing for his crumpled hat.

Kravitz was breathing heavily as he stared at the dark (too dark, not red, purple) pool that spread from the drow’s shoulder over the white floor.

The floor rushed up to meet him, and the last thing Kravitz heard was a loud and heavy crack.


	2. Chapter 2

Kravitz woke to the smell of antiseptic and a slow steady beeping.

The sickly green of the hospital privacy curtains assaulted him, and he groaned as he lifted his head slightly.

“Mr Kravitz?”

The voice was to his right, soft and clear, and he turned to it, blinking blearily. There was a bandage on his head, he could feel its pressure, and he felt vaguely sticky, sore all over. There was an IV in his arm. What? He certainly didn’t need an IV. There was no way-

“Mr Kravitz, how are you feeling?” she asked, the lady at his bedside. She wore a crisp woolen coat in red that she almost certainly didn’t need indoors, and had a clipboard supporting a notebook open on her lap. She looked at Kravitz with a fair amount of gentle concern. Kravitz was sure he’d never met her before in his life.

“I’m… sore,” he said. “Who are…?”

“I’m the director of internal investigations, Mr Kravitz. I’m here to ask you about the incident, if you’re feeling up to it?” She leaned back in her chair and passed him a bottle of water from the bedside table, still frosty with condensation, and unscrewed the lid for him.

Kravitz took a sip, glancing at her name tag. It seemed fuzzy. He didn’t question it.

“There were some… unique features of the Macy’s incident, isn’t that right?” she said. She had an inquisitive air about her, but something about her seemed… tired.

“I, uh. I’m not sure you’ll believe me if I tell you,” he said. “I’m not on any kind of medication, I’m not under psychiatric evaluation, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“No, Mr Kravitz, I’m here to listen. Don’t worry. I’ve seen the tapes, I just want to know what you saw. We’re alone, don’t worry about judgement here. You’re quite safe.” She offered him a smile a moment too late, and it felt manufactured. Kravitz had dealt with bad HR representatives before, it was fairly par for the course. “My name is Lucretia. You can call me that, if it helps?”

He nodded. “I. Yes, certainly. I was in Macy’s. I had been sent to buy a suit, my boss wanted me to dress up for the gala. I… what… what day is it?”

“You’ve only been unconscious for a few hours.” 

He realised she was already scrawling notes, in some kind of secretary shorthand.

“I was in formalwear. I heard a noise, like a crackle. I thought maybe a lamp had burst, or a speaker had malfunctioned.” He lifted a hand to his face, rubbing the bridge of his nose and trying to recall it. People had flooded past him, filled up the aisles. “There was smoke, on the floor. Flowing like water. And there was a man, a tall man with white hair, and. Skin. Grey skin.” He glanced over to her, to the director. She didn’t even pause in her note taking. “He had long ears. And dark eyes. And he was wearing a… a tunic, I suppose? It had a spider on it, went all the way to the floor. And he had a real spider with him too, but it was huge, like a Lord of the Rings one. I don’t know how he got it in there.”

She simply nodded, pen scratching on the notepad, a page turning lightning-fast.

“People were running away. There were lasers. Firing at him. I don’t know how they got them in either, but they looked… There was a big one, he was all orange. And a little one in green. But there was this other one, this man, with long light hair, and… and a skirt, and a big hat, and a w… a wand.” 

She didn’t pause. 

“A wand,” Kravitz said again. “And he was… shooting this grey man, the man with the spider. That man had been setting fire to things inside the Macy’s, terrifying people. They were all running away from him. His name was B… B-something. The other one was green. He was trying to stop him, but they got all webbed up and started talking about… about nails, and worlds, and-” Kravitz was starting to get a headache; something was throbbing fiercely in the back of his head. “And how he didn’t want to hide... BRIAN, he was called Brian.”

Kravitz swallowed thickly. He forced himself to take another sip of his water.

“He got them webbed up,” he said at length. “I told him to stop, I showed him my badge but he didn’t care. He drew back his big staff and I… I shot… Oh God, I shot him.”

A wave of nausea swept over Kravitz, and he buckled in his bed, eyes wide, hands patting around for something desperately.

“He’s fine,” Lucretia said, briefly, still writing furiously. 

“Fine? How can he be fine? I shot him! Is he here? Is he in hospital? What _was_ he?”

“Kravitz, please, I really need you to focus. I can fix this, I can _fix this_ but only if you help me.” She looked up at last, her expression desperate. “Is that it? Is that everything you can remember?”

“He, I… I don’t know, it happened so fast.” He swallowed again, gripped the bottle tighter. “He was trying to hurt people. That spider… that spider is still around. I didn’t touch the spider-”

“Kravitz. Listen to me. What else do you remember?”

“I... T-Taako, he was called Taako. The green one. The pretty one.” He put a hand on his forehead, rubbing it, fingertips pushing at the edge of his bandage. It was sticky.

The director nodded, jotting down some final things before snapping her book shut.

“I understand this is difficult, and I appreciate your honesty.” She put her stuff in a nondescript tote bag, something printed on it about how good it was to go to libraries, and shrugged it onto her shoulder. As she did so, she drew out something else. A syringe. She picked up the line to his IV. “And trust me. We _are_ going to take care of all of this.”

She fitted a new hypodermic needle on the syringe and flicked it, pressing it into the feeder tube on the IV.

“We’re going to make all of this go away,” she said, quieter, pressing the plunger.

Panic set in a moment too late.

“Wh-who are you? You’re not allowed to do that, you’re...” He scrambled for an alarm button, something to pull, anything.

The director put the syringe back in its case and dropped it into her bag. “Kravitz, please try and relax. I’m your nurse, remember?”

“You’re… you’re my…” Words were hard. Words came thick and slow, and he blinked heavily. “My… nurse?”

“Yes. You’re going to nap now, Kravitz, and when you wake up this whole mess will be gone.” She pushed her chair back against the wall, and ducked out of the cubical just as Kravitz fell back into the bed, sinking into darkness again.


	3. Chapter 2

He woke to the sound of fingertips drumming on his bedside table.

There was a sickly smell of old dying flowers. A gaudy wilting yellow bunch were set at the foot of his bed, right there in the centre of his vision as he swam back around.

“Kravitz.”

The voice was deeply familiar and unsympathetic.

He turned his head in her direction and was greeted with a cold wash of fear that came with your boss turning up next to you unannounced.

She was dressed sharply, obviously fresh from work, with not a dark hair out of place.

“Miss, ma’am, madam, I...” he slurred clumsily, fumbling and patting the covers of his bed like he might have dropped something.

“Good to have you back with us,” she said, with absolutely no emotion. 

He swallowed again, eyeing the hospital room and taking in the curtains, the pattern on the bedding, the drum of her fingers on his bedside table.

“You took a nasty fall,” she said.

He found himself staring at her fingers. Her nails were short, why were they short? Looked as if they had been cut straight across. Normally they were nicely manicured in dark colours-

“You took a fall and banged your head, do you remember?”

He blinked. Lifted a hand to his head. Felt the bandages.

“My head. I.” Her nails shouldn’t have been short, but they were. Normally they were long, normally they-

She noticed his gaze and lifted her hand, snapping her fingers in front of his face. “Eyes on me,” she said. “My wife came back from abroad unannounced. I had to sacrifice the manicure, and I came here in a hurry. Now answer the question.”

“Yes madam, I... You. I don’t. No, ma’am, it’s… my head…” There was a veritable word soup up in his thinking pan, and it was set to a cold congealing simmer. 

“Do you remember Macy’s?”

“Macy’s?”

“Yes, Kravitz, the big department store. There was a disturbance and you intervened, do you _remember_?”

“N-no. No, ma’am, I don’t remember. I’m trying, I don’t-”

She sighed through her nose, and closed her eyes a moment. “Right. Thank you, Kravitz. You can. Have tomorrow off or whatever.” She cast him a glance that would almost have passed for concerned, if he didn’t know her so well. Then she leaned in and stroked a stray hair out of his face, patting his cheek. “Try to stay out of trouble. We need you back in time for the gala. I’ll pick you up a suit.”

“Thank you,” he said weakly, doe-eyed and useless. 

Smirking, she picked up her coat and draped it over her arm. “You’re welcome. Get some rest.”

She ducked out of the cubicle, the curtains shimmying behind her, and Kravitz was left staring at the ceiling with a hole in his memory the size of a freight train.


	4. Chapter 3 (just kidding, you know whats up)

Kravitz spent the night at the hospital, lying in bed with more of a splitting headache than anything else. He was dehydrated, apparently, and had a graze on his back and a nasty bump on his head, but apart from that he was in the sort of physical condition you could expect from an active member of the police force. It was odd to have so much time to himself and not be able to get up and about. He didn’t like it. He was out of the habit of taking late mornings, so waking up at 11am shook him to his core.

It was strange to get his clothes back in a plastic bag, and find his pants scuffed and melted slightly at the hems like they’d been burned. Nobody had thought fit to bring him a change of clothes, though he was almost grateful Raven hadn’t taken it upon herself to clothe him. He’d be strutting out of the hospital in some ridiculous brand; all black, some sort of corduroy probably. Silk. He didn’t want to tempt fate.

What the hell kind of kerfuffle had he gotten involved with? 

He had plenty of time to mull it over in the bath he drew the second he got home, soaking the smell of the hospital away. He tried not to dwell too hard on the gap in his memory though. It was unnerving, knowing there was stuff he couldn’t recall. No doubt he’d be presented with the security tapes once he returned to work.

Raven would probably organise a viewing party. Pull out the projector and get everyone in the conference room to critique Kravitz’s work performance and advise him on how not to get knocked out next time he went to Macy’s.

He sighed, and sank lower in the water.

Evening rolled around too soon, and he found himself compelled to go for a walk. Made sense, he’d been cooped up all day. He wanted to stretch his legs, and he was fresh from his bath wearing fully intact clothing. Why shouldn’t he go for a walk?

He was out the door before he fully realised what he was doing, only grabbing his coat as an afterthought and shrugging it on as he stepped into the chill of the evening. He strolled downtown. There were bars opening, some early birds chatting and laughing, mostly roaming in pairs or groups, making the evening sound brighter and more inviting.

Maybe he should go for a drink. He wasn’t on morphine or anything else, as far as he was aware. No painkillers. 

He stood by the door to a bar for a little too long, scowling at it, trying to remember the last time he’d set foot inside one. It had been the work do, probably. He’d stayed for half an hour, bought a round, and left as soon as it was acceptable. He had stuff to do.

One step closer, one step back.

Would it be weird? Going to a bar by himself? What if he saw someone he knew, what if Raven heard he was out on the town? She’d want to intervene, want to know why. She was nosy like that and loved to get involved in ways that suggested she really couldn’t care-

GOD will you just GO in the fucking BAR already?

He stepped inside.

It was pleasantly warm, smelled nice, and there was an empty seat right at the bar. 

So he took it.

He almost thought he heard someone sigh alongside him when he sat down. He ignored them, shifting the stool closer and clearing his throat as he squinted at the bottles along the back shelf, realising he’d made an awful mistake as soon as the bartender came to take his order.

“I will. Have.” Name a drink. Name one drink. Any drink. 

Name a drink, Kravitz.

Name a single drink, please.

“I. Will have.” 

“Oh my God. He’ll have a Bloody Mary.” 

Kravitz turned sharply and almost smacked himself off the wide brim of his neighbour’s sunhat, which was tipped elegantly to shield his face from the lights hanging over the bar as he sipped on something that shimmered. 

“Will I?” Kravitz said.

“I don’t know, took you fuckin’ long enough to decide to come inside, might be dead by the time you manage a wholeass cocktail.” He flipped up his sunhat and met Kravitz’s gaze, arching one perfect eyebrow.

He had an elegant face. Startlingly green eyes, perfect makeup, dark lips, and he seemed to glisten in the low light. He felt... trustworthy. This thought made something inside Kravitz tug unhappily, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. He felt like he was making an unwise decision.

“I. I see,” Kravitz said as the bartender went to fix the drink. “My apologies. Didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

His neighbour rolled his eyes and snagged the straw in his drink with a delicately pointed tongue. “It’s fine, just don’t make a habit of it.”

Kravitz found himself smirking, and dropping it almost as fast. “I’m not sure if you realise I’m joking. I don’t know you.”

The other seemed to hesitate, but only for the barest of seconds. “I know, dipshit, I’m playing along. God.” He dropped his gaze from Kravitz’s, fiddling with something in his pocket.

There was a long stretch of silence, and Kravitz had to fight to keep from drumming his fingers on the counter.

“So. What’s your name?” Kravitz said eventually, wondering if perhaps he was being flirted with, in some kind of roundabout way.

There was a heavy sigh from the attractive man sitting next to him, and Kravitz was left feeling very much on the back foot.

“You’ll figure it out later,” he said, giving Kravitz a look that felt ladened with meaning he couldn’t begin to parse.

The drink arrived, and Kravitz thanked the bartender briefly, taking it in his hand and wishing he’d ordered pretty much anything else. There were tomatoes in a Bloody Mary weren’t there? And some kind of sauce? It didn’t smell as bad as it sounded, and Kravitz stirred it slowly with a straw, disconcerted by how thick it was.

“Hey, who’s that by the door?” His neighbour frowned, looking over Kravitz’s shoulder. 

Kravitz turned, craning his neck. Nobody special, by the looks of things. There was nobody especially close to the door either.

“Who?” he said.

“The one with. Uh. The big hat.”

Kravitz frowned, stretching further in his seat, attracting weird looks. “I don’t see anyone in a hat.”

“Oh. Funny.”

Kravitz turned back around, giving his neighbour a sideways look and picking up his drink, sipping it through the straw. There was a strange taste to it. Oddly bitter. He almost recoiled, trying not to look too rude.

“Come on, you can do better than that,” his neighbour said, propping an elbow on the bar top and offering Kravitz the first gap-toothed smile of the evening.

“Can I?” Kravitz said, feeling a strange pang of something at the back of his head, tickling at his spine. Had he really not drunk for so long?

“Yes, you can. Come on. Drink it.” His voice was creeping with urgency. There was something off about the situation. Something was wrong.

So why did Kravitz take out the straw and tip the whole thing back?

It tasted foul, especially at the bottom. Something had conglomerated there. He had to tell the manager, had to alert the bartender, their alcohol was bad or something. Something was _very-_

The mental image of smoke curling across the marble floor of a Macy’s hit Kravitz in the middle of his chest and he dragged in a gasp, eyes going wide. He clutched at the bar.

“Woah there buddy, you alright?” His new friend set both hands on him, one on his shoulder and one on his arm. Just a little too heavy. Kravitz couldn’t prove it was his fault, but all of a sudden his chair was tipping and he was falling backwards, gasping, tumbling towards the hard sticky floor of the bar.

Large arms caught him, and there was another “wo-oah!” exclamation. A bigger body was behind him, heaving him to his feet. He tried to stumble upright as his head span and breath came short, memories flooding back faster than he could make sense of them. Smoke, fire, spiders, grey people and green people, and that face, that _face_ was so familiar, why did he know it so well?

Taako rushed into his field of view, putting a hand on his chest and laughing, forced and fake. “Ha ha, looks like you’ve had a couple too many, buddy! C’mon, let’s get you outta here.”

Kravitz’s legs had gone shaky like a baby deer. The person holding him had no trouble heaving him out of the bar.

He was shaking, tremoring, every muscle trying to get him to flop down and play dead. His head felt like it was going to split open. He could barely see in the new dimness of the street. Taako was there, the wizard, the MACY’S ELF. And the guy, the orange-haired guy, was heaving Kravitz away, scooping an arm up under his legs when he didn’t hurry fast enough.

Kravitz was getting carried through the streets away from a bar looking like a raving drunk and twitching like he was seizing, feeling like his head was going to fall open.

They turned down the first alley they could find and shadows fell over everything. Kravitz was faintly aware that he was quietly groaning as he tried to pull away from the grip of the man that carried him, though that was absolutely never going to happen. The third man, the short one, was waiting in the dark and saying something Kravitz could not comprehend.

Taako was louder. “Yeah, nice one, Earl Merle, sweet fucking distraction back there.”

The muscle of the trio set Kravitz on the floor. He was on his knees in an instant, gagging, slapping a hand against the slightly moist wall and retching hard.

There had been a fight, there had been a giant, giant spider, and people had run… Spells, magic, so so many things all vying for space in his head. It was dizzying. Nauseating.

“We’re not going to hurt you.” Taako looked like he was considering patting Kravitz on the back, but decided against it. He loomed, as did the other two, silhouetted against the barely dark sky as Kravitz looked up at them, shivering.

Taako had dropped whatever glamour he’d had. His green skin was pin-pricked with tiny points of light across his cheekbones, and his ears shifted the rim of the hat.

“What. What are you?” Kravitz shuddered, his voice hoarse.

“Oh, shit. Right. So, I’m an elf. I’m Taako Taaco. Hi.” He wiggled his fingers, grimacing. “This is, uh, Merle. He’s a dwarf. In the, uh. Biblical sense. I guess.”

“Heya, pal, nice to have you on side,” said the dwarf with more beard than hair, slapping a heavy square hand on Kravitz’s back and sending him into another retching fit.

“And this is Magnus. He’s just a regular boy. We needed some muscle, and he fell in love with a tiefling like a fucking idiot.”

Kravitz gave a shaky nod in Magnus’s direction, and was met with a brilliant winning smile.

“A tiefling?” Kravitz asked.

“Listen,” said Taako, “that’s some whole other shit we don’t need to get into right now-”

“My wife has horns,” Magnus said, still beaming.

“...Nice.” Kravitz nodded, wiping the back of his sleeve on his lips. “I’m very glad for you.”

“Me too,” Magnus said, and Taako groaned.

“Magnus can you keep your fuckin’ loving and caring fetish for your wife in your pants slash heart for like three goddamned minutes I’m trying to give this guy a crash course on… all this shit.”

There was no protest, and Kravitz could see that Magnus was still grinning.

“Alright, so,” said Taako. “Elves are real. Dwarves are real. Magic is real, but none of the stuff you saw before us. And there are portals, and other realms, and tiefling, and dark elves, and Gods. Gods are real, you work for one.”

Kravitz had a violent flashback to a moment when he’d walked into Raven’s office without knocking. She’d been cloaked in darkness and otherworldly voices. And he’d forgotten that too.

“Raven is-”

“The Raven Queen, mistress of death, courting Lady Istus who recently joined us. She’s goddess of fate. There’s a god of nature round here somewhere kicking around-”

“Pan!” came the gravelly voice of the dwarf. “Have you heard the word of Pan?”

“Merle I swear to fuck-”

“He’s in Margaritaville right now, though, last I heard-”

“I will dropkick you don’t _fucking_ test me. Gods are real, magical beings are real, but most people don’t know. We keep it under wraps, and we’re super fucking good at it, and we got this… this big fish that eats up all our secrets and you just ate it’s shit, so now you know all our shit too. Sorry, you’ll thank me later.”

Kravitz started at the floor. “I. You. You’re an elf.”

“Yeah. Hi.”

“Where do you come from?”

“New Elfington. You don’t know it.”

“Earth?”

“Nah. Listen, buddy, there’s a lot to wrap your pretty head round, but we need someone in your position. And Raven is _super_ fond of you. She’d have got you favoured someday, we’re just expediting this shit.” Taako leaned down, even deigning to go down on one knee after a brief wince, fingertips brushing Kravitz’s cheek.

Kravitz blinked owlishly, noticing how Taako’s eyes reflected light back at him in the low light.

“You good? Do I need to bust a spell slot on you?” Taako smiled, like that meant much of anything at all.

“I... It’s. A lot. Who else…?”

“Not fuckin’ many. There’s about five humans in on it right now, including you. Including that… nurse. At the hospital.” He sounded like he was gritting his teeth. “She didn’t _fucking_ talk that through with us. So we did a little vigilante justice, got you back in the loop.”

There had been so much wiped out. A figure with grey skin tearing open the sky, more figures appearing in the street, a guy with hooves and horns that scratched the doorways turning up in the police precinct to pick an argument with Raven. There were entire _days_ that had just disappeared.

A cool hand took Kravitz’s own.

“Listen,” said Taako. “It’s a lot, I get it. But we need someone on the inside. Someone who knows what they’re doing. There’s so much going on with the planes right now, and nobody knows shit about it, really. We’re just trying to stop people panicking. Because we’re fucking charitable like that.”

Kravitz nodded, and felt the hand squeeze him softly. It was nice.

“So... think on it, I guess?” said Taako. “Your boss is going to want to see you, probably. And mine’s going to want to bitch at me about the greater good. But, uh. Stay in touch, yeah?”

Kravitz nodded again, head bobbing of its own accord.

“Sorry for charming you. And spiking your drink.” Taako patted Kravitz’s hand and pulled away. “In my defence, you’re a real easy target.”

Kravitz watched as Taako, Merle and Magnus started to move off, leaving him to pull himself together in the alleyway. There was a brief shimmer as Taako did something that turned his skin from green again and made his ears short and unobtrusive, overall making him just a little less remarkable.

“See you round, pumpkin,” Taako said, voice warbling down the alley as the three of them stepped back into the street and out of sight.

And Kravitz was left staring at a brick wall, wondering how hard he’d hit his head to hallucinate all that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with it! Hope you enjoyed, if you did and want to yell at me my tumblr is @kraaviitz, thanks again to @starmaid for editing this and making it enjoyable, and sending me horrible memes whenever I said something exploitable.
> 
> I am NOT planning to continue this but if you want to commission some more hit me up on tumblr and we can talk!


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